Well, much to my surprise-- and I'm sure, my wife's surprise as well-- it appears I'm gay. Evidence can be found on this website, courtesy of the family-friendly folks at Focus on the Family, who appear to be very concerned about early detection of homosexuality. Probably want a vaccine, too, but lately, who can tell which is the greater risk to your child: the mercury in vaccines, or being gay?
Apparently, the damage is done. This should have all been caught before I hit puberty. Here's the warning signs:
- A strong feeling that they are “different” from other boys
Oh, I don't know about different from other boys, just different.
- A tendency to cry easily, be less athletic, and dislike the roughhousing that other boys enjoy.
Let me get this (no pun intended) straight: a tendency to dislike roughhousing with other boys is a sign that you're gay? Doesn't that seem counterintuitive? Oh, and by this criteria, I was super-gay.
- A persistent preference to play female roles in make-believe play.
I point you to this, without further comment.
- A strong preference to spend time in the company of girls and participate in their games and other pastimes.
So to recap: hanging out with girls means you're gay. No more reindeer games for you.
- A susceptibility to be bullied by other boys, who may tease them unmercifully and call them “queer,” “fag” and “gay.”
Here's a clue: if every kid who has ever been called "queer", "fag" and "gay" actually turns out to be gay, then we can expect that the famous One-in-Ten statistic will skyrocket to Ten-in-Ten.
- A tendency to walk, talk, dress and even “think” effeminately.
Little known fact: "Think Effeminately" was a rejected draft for Apple's "Think Different" campaign. Proof of Apple's gay ties? The old Apple logo had a rainbow motif. iMacs in rainbow colors. The song "She's A Rainbow" featured in an iMac advertisement. And most damning, if you want to talk about being effeminate: they gave a computer a girl's name. You do the math.
Microsoft, by the way-- completely asexual. Microsoft Bob? The exception that proves the rule. In case you were wondering.
- A repeatedly stated desire to be — or insistence that he is — a girl.
Singing "I Enjoy Being A Girl" is a strong clue. Interestingly, wearing or wanting to wear girl's clothing is not on the list. My guess is that somebody at Focus on the Family is a closet Eddie Izzard fan.
What's particularly interesting to me is that these "warning signs" only apply to boys. I haven't been able to find a list of warning signs for lesbianism on the Focus on the Family site. So if you're worried about your daughter turning gay, well, you're screwed. Nothing you can do about it. Better buy the girl a guitar now and hope she becomes a folk musician.