Hi! We haven't met, but I understand that you're looking for a new host for The Price Is Right now that Bob Barker has taped his final show and is going back to his career as an international playboy, or master of espionage, or whatever it is that extremely wealthy older gentlemen do when they've got time on their hands.
You should hire me. Yes, me.
I know, you're thinking, "TC, we don't even know you. No offense, but not only are you not on the short list of candidates, you were never on any list of candidates for the job."
Hey, I can sympathize. But really, given a chance you'll see that I'm clearly the best person for the job.
Like Bob Barker, I look really good in a suit.
Like Bob Barker, I'm damn charming.
Like Bob Barker, I'm a vegetarian.
Like Bob Barker, I can hold the suspense in a moment when I say "The actual retail price is..."
Like Bob Barker, my birthday is December 12.
(Which is also Frank Sinatra's birthday, so if anybody out there wants to give me a record contract or put me in a remake of Robin and the Seven Hoods, I'm all ears. Ring-a-ding-ding.)
Look, the public loves a Cinderella story. Pluck me from near obscurity, and we both benefit. You get a shedload of publicity. I'll come out, we'll do some press conference where Bob hands me the Gene Rayburn Memorial Pencil-Thin Microphone for luck, I'll tape a bunch of shows, and catch the red-eye home to the East Coast afterward. It's a win-win situation for all of us.
Call me. We'll do lunch.